We are well into the NBA Playoffs, which means there are many many many more games. The question is: who should you root for? Iron Waffles lovingly breaks it down, team by team, so you don’t have to!
P.S. Don’t forget to check out the previous post, about the teams on the other side of the country.
We are well into the NBA Playoffs, which means there are many many many more games. The question is: who should you root for? Iron Waffles lovingly breaks it down, team by team, so you don’t have to!
The Boston Celtics
First thing’s first: The Celtics are from Boston. I don’t mean to imply that I’m biased or anything, but unlike your grandmother’s mother, that’s not too great.
Yesterday, President Barack Obama spoke openly about his support for same-sex marriage. This caused was greeted by celebration all across the country, for some people*.
*The announcement was also greeted by outrage by certain other people, but we’ll let them be for now. They’re not worth the virtual ink. Well, not yet, anyway.
In terms of fundamental human rights, this was a nice one for Old Barry O.
In terms of making sense on a cosmic, sane, forward-thinking level, however, it was anything but a step forward.
Let me explain, will ya?
2/15/12, VATICAN CITY—- In an unprecedented move, the Pope, leader of the Catholic Church, has publicly endorsed the notion of large families, stating that there can be “no future without children.”
He did, however, go on to qualify his statement.
“I believe there is no future without Catholic children. Not so much for gay children. Or Jewish children. Or Muslim, or Hindu, or Buddhist…” he continued, trailing off and drooling a little on his robe.
“With stuff like this,” he said, being aroused from his slumber, “I usually say to look to Jesus. He was really good and everything, but he failed in the whole ‘Big Family’ thing. And I can’t say to look to Mary, because she only had one kid, although He was a keeper. And don’t really imitate God on this one. You really should be married to the woman when you impregnate her, at least for the first five times or so.”
“And I can’t really tell you to be like me on this one, considering I’m single. I mean, just yesterday I ate a whole bag of candy hearts by myself.”
I, for one, wholeheartedly agree with the Pope on this one. The worldwide food supply is steadily increasing, and just this past year the global population hiked over the seven billion mark. Adding more hungry children will increase the demand for food. And, as the supply is going down, the costs will just get higher, thereby helping the global economy.
You heard the man, people. If you are reading this without actively procreating, then you are simply not doing the right thing. Imagine how many of your wasted sex cells could turn into children, i.e. ‘The Future.’ By not letting these cells realize their life potential, you are stealing the ability of thousands of children to see parrots, and eat chimichangas. This is a crime against humanity.
So keep this in mind the next time you use ‘protection.’ You are only ‘protecting’ the population influx of Hell, because that’s where you’re going right after you choke on a fishbone (assuming you cannot provide photo I.D.s of your twelve lovely, non-gay children).
As always, the Pope is right on. And for a limited time only, callers to the Vatican will get a copy of Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On, to help us get to eight billion!
